Coping in Difficult Times
My spouse died one year ago. I’m still terribly depressed, lonely and afraid, but my church tells me I need to move on with my life. How do I do that after 30 years of marriage? Any suggestions or advice?
Clueless Churches
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sometimes American churches are clueless when it comes to grief and widowhood. The situation is different in India or other places where persecution and disease make widows and martyrs more common. Try to forgive some of those people in your church. They really don’t know any better.
One of my favorite verses for widows and victims of child abuse is this:
“Fear not, for you will not be put to shame. Neither feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. But you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts” (Isaiah 54:4-5, NASB).
It may be lonely here on earth right now. But, God will repay you many times over later. That’s His promise to you.
Conformed to Christ – Not to the World
Isaiah 54:4-5 was a promise to Judah while they were in exile concerning the future Millennium. But, the hope for a Christian is the same. We suffer now. But, we are promised joy later. Christians are never promised that we will be happy now.
Thinking we should be happy now is a deceptive lie from the pulpits and Christian television whose preachers promise riches and happiness in the here and now. They are ignoring the entirety of the New Testament when they say things like this.
Although we may not feel it yet, “Your maker is your husband” is a helpful verse to remember as you feel grief over losing your spouse. Another helpful verse is Psalm 27:10: “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me” (NKJV).
Becoming Holy – Not Happy
We are told that God is conforming us to be Christ like – not like the world. We are being trained to be “holy” not “happy.”
“For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son…” (Ro. 8:29).
Practical Steps
For just some simple, practical steps we suggest that widows become more involved in their church, home Bible Studies, and community service. Opportunities won’t come to you. Widows need to actively seek out things that might be available to them. Most churches do not know how to reach out to grieving widows. So as difficult as it is, newly singled widows must seek out others first.
Just Do It Afraid
We know this advice isn’t easy to follow. Widows need to get involved even when they don’t feel like it – even when they feel self-conscious and lonely and depressed.
Just do it. Even do it afraid!
Is there a morning study for women at your church? Is there a women’s outreach group to help those in need? Is there a Bible Study on Wednesday nights at the church? Is there a program to visit the elderly in nursing homes? Is there a church barbeque this weekend? Go alone. Do it even if you’re afraid to go alone. Is there a home Bible Study close to you?
Try to become involved in as many of these activities as is possible for you to do. You don’t have to like it. Just do it.
To Churches
To the churches, please don’t treat your new widows in a condescending manner. One of my friends who was recently widowed made the following comment:
“We just lost our spouses – not our minds.”
Home Visits
Also, churches might wish to send someone to the newly widowed person’s home to help gather together documents and to assist with learning how to pay bills or write checks – the “nitty gritty” of basic finances. One friend told me that a collections agency began to terrorize her because she had inadvertently missed a payment.
Helping with yardwork is another thing that new widows appreciate. Mechanics who can assist with basic car repairs and plumbing is another area greatly appreciated by new widows.
Writing to the Persecuted Church
New widows may also find solace in helping other widows worldwide. Did you know that “Voice of the Martyrs” has a program for believers to write encouraging letters to those in prison? Sometimes these letters can even help hostile governments to treat Christians better because they know they are being watched. That is something you can do from the privacy of your home.
Subscribe to Voice of the Martyrs Magazine.
Subscribe to VOM’s free magazine. Every month you will read about widows around the world.
Voice of the Martyrs, P.O. BOX 443, Bartlesville, OK 74005.
Phone: (918) 337-8015
E-mail: thevoice@vom-usa.org.
Web site: www.persecution.com.
Ordering Tapes for Yourself
Finally, you might want to order the following tapes from Joyce Meyer Ministries. Although her theology may not fit with all of our doctrinal beliefs, her advice is practical and useful. We have heard many stories of healing as a result of listening to these specific, biblical tapes. She has certainly helped me and our Gospel Rescue Mission ladies to cope with difficult relationships:
Overcoming Grief and Loneliness
Victory Over Depression
Write:
Joyce Meyer Ministries
P.O. BOX 655
Fenton, MO 63026-0655
www.joycemeyer.org.
1(800) 727-9673 or (636) 349-0303
Nancy Missler, Kay Arthur and Beth Moore
There are other helpful women with tape ministries, too. For example, Nancy Missler has a terrific series called, “Faith in the Night Seasons.” www.kingshighway.org. Also, seek out books written by Kay Arthur or Beth Moore. Visit your local Christian bookstore and ask for materials written specifically for widows. You might find helpful materials there.
Organize Bible Studies & Groups for Widows
Widows have been long forgotten by mainstream churches. Widows feel like outcasts in family gatherings or family bible studies. They don’t want to join “singles” groups.
So think about forming your own group for widows in your church. One church formed the “Mighty Mites” (referring to the New Testament’s “widow’s mite” story). This title removed widows from the status of “victim” and gave them a powerful title and purpose in their community. They have lived up to their name as they assist other new widows in their community.
As you begin to become more involved in community and church activities, you may find that the fear, grief and loneliness begins to fade away as you make new friends and help others in their own times of grief.
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