Anger Management
Is it Biblical?
Q. One of my best friends is always angry about something that happened in church or at home. No one can do or say anything right. When her friends try to help she accuses them of being condescending to her. When church leaders try to intervene she thinks they are taking sides. She’s just looking for stuff to “blow-up” at.
Now she has been attending other churches, talking about us behind our backs and accuses us of things that really aren’t true. What should we do? We don’t know how to handle this anymore. Any suggestions?
Answer:
This is a sad problem – and not that unusual anymore. We live in a culture full of pressures and expectations that most of us can’t meet. These lead to temper flare-ups and despondency.
Physical Problems?
The first thing I would ask is for her to visit her medical doctor to make sure she isn’t hypertensive or suffering from some other medical condition that could cause or be aggravated by tension.
Emotional Problems?
Secondly, I would encourage her to try to find out if she suffers from mental depression or bi-polar disease – either of which could cause her to suffer anxiety or anger.
If she does is it possible her medication needs adjusting? Has she suffered recent loss or grief that could have upset her? If so perhaps she needs more intervention than you can provide for her. That is beyond the scope of church intervention.
However, don’t forget to pray for her needs and for peace in her life. God can do what we can’t.
Keep Away
I almost hate to bring this up. But, after going through a checklist we know that the Bible has a lot to say about angry, short-tempered people. Let’s go through a few Scripture verses that deal with this painful emotion:
“Keep away from angry, short-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul” (Proverbs 22:24, NLT).
“People with good sense restrain their anger…” (Proverbs 19:11).
“An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins” (Proverbs 29:22, NIV).
Get Rid of it!
The Bible suggests that anger reveals loss of control in a person and it must be removed.
I can hear the motor-boats out there saying…”but…but…but…”
Anger really is a Choice
Yes, but anger IS a choice! We can choose to become uncontrollably angry or to respond thoughtfully. We can allow emotions to dictate our behaviors or we can decide to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor 10:5).
“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).
Here’s another:
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, & Colossians 3:8, Psalm 37:8).
God wouldn’t tell us to get control over our anger if it were impossible for us to do so. He never asks anything of human beings that we cannot accomplish here on earth. He is always just and fair. Too often we assume we can’t change something about ourselves. Yet, rarely do we really try.
Disturbing List
The Bible presents the emotion of anger as one in a list of obviously disturbing sins:
“The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage…” (Galatians 5:19-21).
Avoid It
So the Bible tells us to avoid anger:
“It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel” (Proverbs 20:3).
“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).
James warns us – “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19-20).
Respond Gently to It
On the other hand God’s Word suggests that when we encounter someone who is upset we answer gently so that their anger will lessen:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).
“A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18).
Don’t Nurture It
The Bible also warns each of us not to nurture our anger.
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26).
“In your anger do not sin. When you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent” (Psalm 4:4).
In his article, “Tackling the Joy Stealer of Anger,” Pastor Krowel warns that “Anger turns into resentment, and resentment turns into bitterness, and bitterness turns into an unforgiving spirit, and an unforgiving spirit turns into a defiled conscience. Pretty soon, we have become captives and slaves of our own anger” (pg. 3, part 2).
Avoid Business Contacts with Angry People
The Bible warns that angry people do not make good business or marriage partners:
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).
2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us that in the last days “people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive…ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable…without self-control, brutal, not loving good…avoid such people” (ESV).
Unappeasable
“Avoid such people” in the above verse means to stay away from people who manifest the unpleasant traits listed. Are they “unappeasable?” To appease means “to pacify, quiet, or satisfy, esp. by giving in to the demands of,” according to Webster’s New World Dictionary.
Therefore, someone who is “unappeasable” cannot be quieted, pacified, or satisfied by your response to them. We are told not to even try. “Avoid such people” (2 Tim. 3:5). This is a simple, clear demand.
Arrogant & Proud
Webster defines arrogance as “full of or due to pride, haughty.” Pride is “an unduly high opinion of oneself.” A person who is full of pride cannot admit the error of his or her ways. Their opinion of themselves is inflated.
An arrogant or proud person cannot “repent” of a sin they refuse to admit or see that they have. If a brother repents then we must forgive him (Luke 17:3). But, if he will not repent or cannot see that he needs to repent, then we cannot forgive him in a formal way. There can be no restoration of the relationship. What should we do about it? “Avoid such people” (2 Tim. 3:5).
Abusive
Webster defines abuse as “to use wrongly, to mistreat, to insult, revile, mistreatment, a corrupt practice, insulting language.” How are we to respond to abusive people? “Avoid such people” – stay away from them (2 Tim. 3:5).
No Tolerance for Hostility against Others
In many of our daily grievances we can embrace scriptures which say that “love covers a multitude of sin” (1 Pet. 4:8), or “love covers all transgressions” (Prov. 10:12), or “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5).
However, the Bible clearly mandates that we never tolerate wrongs committed against others. Forgiving unconditionally does not mean that a Christian deliberately puts himself or others at risk of ongoing abuse.
Examples are the sexual offender from whom a mother protects her children, or the husband who routinely physically and verbally assaults his family. It is imperative that believers shield vulnerable persons from abusive relationships. Verbal abuse and anger should not be tolerated any more than physical violence or sexual abuse.
Consider the following Scriptures:
“You shall not pervert the justice due to your needy brother in his dispute” (Exodus 23:6).
“Learn to do good. Seek justice, reprove the ruthless, defend the orphan, plead for the widow” (Isaiah 1:17).
…”Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor. Also do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger, the orphan, or the widow…” (Jeremiah 22:3).
Anger Kills
Anger is a killer! It is not therapeutic to “vent” one’s feelings as we once believed. From his book, Anger Kills, Dr. Williams makes a strong case for this point of view:
“Getting habitually angry is like taking a small dose of some slow-acting poison – arsenic, for example – every day of your life.”
A 1981 university study at North Carolina found that anger is a major killer. “Twenty years earlier researchers had tested hostility levels in 255 medical students. Over the following years, the researchers watched the doctors with high hostility die like raging bulls in a bull ring. By middle age, 13 percent of the high-hostility men had died. In contrast, only 2 percent with low hostility had died. The men with “grudgitis” had more hypertension and five times more heart attacks. Chronic anger had raised their blood-pressure and clogged their coronary arteries. Long-term anger makes for a short-term life.”
(McMillen & Stern 2000, 207).
Freud Blew-it!
Prior to Freud, famous philosophers understood the danger of uncontrolled and unrestrained anger. They advised people to avoid it.
But, after Freud’s time came the misguided suggestion to “vent” one’s emotions. The advice to “get the anger out” caused blood-pressure to soar and negative feelings to escalate.
Nevertheless, psychology has perpetuated this myth causing marriages and relationships to dissolve in the hostility of unrestrained, powerfully destructive demonstrations of anger.
Righteous Anger?
Jesus expressed anger on several occasions. But, “Jesus expressed anger when His Father was wronged, and when people abused righteousness, justice, love and compassion. He didn’t use his anger as a tool of retribution when he didn’t get his own way” (Krowel, pg. 2).
But, the problem with bringing up “righteous anger” to our readers is that many people have the tendency to rationalize that their anger is “righteous” and “justified” and is therefore godly. But, as we have seen short-tempered people are to be avoided. Nine times out of ten short-fused angry responses are labeled as undesirable in Scripture.
Matthew 18 Model
If your friend is gossiping about the pastor, leaders and others in your church then she needs to be confronted with the Scriptural recourse for conflicts. Christians are never to gossip. No exceptions.
Matthew 18:15-17 provides believers with a clear course of action should they feel they have been truly mistreated. It is a model that demands forthright, direct “clean” confrontation on our part.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17, ESV).
No Phone-Gossiping
In this Matthew 18 model an offended Christian must first confront the person who has offended him or her. We are forbidden to grab the phone, call our friends and degrade one another. If we do so we risk the judgment of Matthew 12:36:
“Every careless word that people speak they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment.”
What that judgment exactly entails we are not clearly told. However, the Bible does warn that we can lose a reward we might have received (2 Jn 1:8). We might be in a position to “shrink in shame” when the Lord appears (1 Jn 2:28). Finally, we will be recompensed for our deeds – both the good and the bad (2 Cor 5:10).
We may not care about these things now. But, when we stand before the Lord and are granted or not given rulership duties and rewards, we will fervently wish then we had obeyed the Lord now!
Avoid Rescuing
Try to avoid coming to the aid of a friend who is uncontrollably angry. The Bible tells us to watch-out for anger traits in choosing our friends, mates, or associates. We need to avoid rescuing them from their own behaviors and its consequences:
“A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty. It you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Proverbs 19:19).
Don’t Try to “Figure it Out”
One of the hardest things for us to do is to stop trying to figure-out why the angry person behaves as they do. We want to know if the angry individual is paranoid or bi polar. Should they be in counseling? Are they hypertensive?
Or, we ask ourselves questions such as: Why does she favor one child over another? Why did he hang-up the phone rudely when I called? Why did she yell at me in front of the others? Why didn’t they accept my invitation to lunch? Why doesn’t she answer my calls? Why doesn’t he R.S.V.P.? What is she angry about now?
These are the kinds of questions that drive us crazy.
Only God Knows the Reasons Why
Instead of asking questions, God tells us to trust Him to deal with the motives and reasons why people do things. Here is a helpful verse to memorize:
“Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart” (1 Corinthians 4:5, ESV).
God is our Avenger
The NASB renders it, the Lord “will disclose the motives of the heart.”
Only God can determine the real reasons – the motives – as to why someone behaves badly and hurts others. That is one reason the Lord tells us, “…never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine. I will repay,’ says the Lord…” (Romans 12:19, ESV).
Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding…”
In other words, quit trying to figure it out all by yourself! God will deal with the people who hurt you.
We must always trust God to work all things together for our good (Ro. 8:28). He will, you know. It’s His promise to us. Meanwhile, He expects us to trust Him and move on with our lives. He expects us to busy ourselves doing the things He has given us to do.
Philippians 4:8 Think-List
Finally, the Christian who is trying to obey God and please the Lord is to stay away from angry people and concentrate on gaining control over his own thought life:
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things” (Philippians 4:8, NASB).
Philippians 4:8 does not mean that the Christian must limit himself to only thinking about religious things. We can play a game of golf, play fetch with the dog, engage in gardening, go for a walk, visit someone in a nursing home, read a good book, read a book to your grandchildren, watch a good movie – make your own list of favorite things. Here are some of mine:
Playing with my cat
Throwing a frisbee to my dogs
Writing articles
Writing to readers
Watching award-winning movies & T.V. series
Sci-Fi
Science & Scripture books & documentaries
Physics from Christian points-of-view
Teaching music lessons
Listening to Praise Music
The famous author Jay Adams suggests all Christians pull out their list and do some of those things every time we feel we are losing control of our emotions. This is our “Philippians 4:8 Think List.”
A Basket of Fruit
Remember, God gave us intelligence and an ability to enjoy our lives and engage in meaningful work. Let’s forget what we have lost and concentrate on what we have. Let’s be grateful for what He has given to us and do the things God gave us the ability to do.
In fact, even when the believer is old his life still has purpose and meaning. “They will still bear fruit in old age” (Psalm 92:14). So get out there and be good fruit bearers and fruit inspectors! Make your own beautiful basket of fruit and let God take care of angry people.
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References:
Adams, Jay. 1994. From forgiven to forgiving. Amityville, NY: Calvary Press.
Johnson, Brian. Applegate Community Church – from various notes, hand-outs & sermons. Available from:www.applegatechurch.org.
Krowel, Kurt. Tackling the joy-stealer of anger. Part 2. Available from:www.remnantreport.com.
McMillen, S.I. & David Stern. 2000 ed. None of these diseases. Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming Revell.
Webster’s New World Compact School and Office Dictionary. 1995. NY: Simon & Schuster.