Q. I can’t forgive a relative who really hurt me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. My relative can’t “repent” because she is not “saved.” Besides, no one can “repent” from sin if they don’t believe they “sin” in the first place, can they? Do you have any ideas about how to control your thought life when it comes to things like these?
Answer:
“Stinkin Thinkin”
This is a good question because it affects so many of us. I’m sure the suggestions will help others. Disciplining our thought life is one of the most difficult things we can do. But, it can be done with some effort. Bitterness and unforgiveness are so damaging to our Chrisitan walk that this is a worthwhile pursuit.
Apologizing is not Repenting
Please remember that you can’t strictly (or technically) “forgive” someone who hasn’t repented of what they did to you. This is why the secular world focuses on “apologizing” rather than “repenting.”
They can’t repent if they are not under God’s authority, either. The Matthew 18 “conflict resolution” passage does not apply to unbelievers. When someone cannot repent because they are not saved then you need to concentrate on overcoming your own bitterness and resentment about the situation.
You can, however, learn to forgive them in the sense that Jesus and Stephen forgave their enemies. Both cried out, “Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they are doing.” To forgive our enemies is not an option for Christians. We are commanded to forgive and we can learn to do this by accepting God’s sovereignty over our lives.
Philippians 4:8 Think-List
To gain control over our thought life, Jay Adams, author of From Forgiven to Forgiving, suggests following a Philippians 4:8 think list.
Philippians 4:8 says:
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these thing” (NASB).
A list of Mind-Engaging Things
The Philippians 4:8 verse does not mean that we must only think about heaven, the Bible, or religious things. You can start by making a list of ten mind-engaging things to think about when your mind is distracted by replaying a hurtful incident over and over.
As an example, for me a list might include reading and learning about various bible translations, theological issues and methods of interpretation, or following worldwide currencies and global economies (I know this sounds weird). I also appreciate good television series such as 24 starring Keifer Sutherland and epidsodes of LOST.
They engage my mind. I can’t really think clearly about anything else while I’m watching them.
For others it might include watching or playing sports. Some would become intensely engaged in facts about health supplements and exercise. Others might need to organize a camping trip for the kids. Some might become absorbed in fixing old cars. This variety is why you need to carefully put together your own list – those things which are mind-engaging for you.
Stinking-Thinking Alternatives
The point is to make a list of at least ten things that capture your mind so that you can focus upon one of them when you are stuck in “stinking thinking.”
Tapes Compete with our own thoughts
If you are awakened at night with obsessive thoughts, for example, then plan ahead. Put on self-help tapes in the middle of the night. But, you need to carefully choose your tapes, get your tape player ready, and put them next to your bed for those vulnerable moments, before it happens again. Plan ahead.
Jay Adams says you must “ruthlessly discipline your mind – that means regularity and consistency. …you must not allow yourself long periods of idle time when you are doing nothing profitable…and this is the most important consideration of all – whatever you do, you must plan it ahead of time” (Adams 1994, 88-89).
Adhering to recommendations such as these help us to focus our minds on other things when difficult things happen. In time and with prayer, our Lord mercifully returns our minds to normal and we can’t even remember what upset us!
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Suggested Resources:
Adams, Jay. 1994. From forgiven to forgiving. Amityville, NY: Calvary Press.
Emilio, K & V. Therapy alternatives, part 3: I can’t stop thinking about it. Available from:www.remnantreport.com.
MacArthur, John. Worry-free living. (tapes). Available from:www.gty.org.
Meyer, Joyce. Bitterness, resentment & unforgiveness. (Tapes). Available from: www.joycemeyer.org.
Missler, Nancy. 1999. Faith in the night seasons. (tapes or book). Available from:www.khouse.org.
Sproul, R.C. Why do I suffer? (tapes). Available from: www.ligonier.org.
Tyler, David and Kurt Grady. 2006. Deceptive diagnosis: When sin is called sickness. Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing.