Divorce Among Christians
Biblical?
Q. My husband is an alcoholic who beats me and our children from time to time. I think I should divorce him but our pastor says the Bible forbids this. Any thoughts on our situation?
Answer:
Separation rather than Divorce?
We’re sorry to hear about your sad misfortune. Sometimes following what the Bible says is extremely difficult. But, in the case of potential physical harm to your children and to you we believe that separation rather than divorce may offer a temporary solution. You may even need to seek a restraining order against your husband and find a battered women’s shelter if circumstances dictate.
Marriage a Symbol of Christ & His Church
Marriage, or the joining of two people to become one flesh, seems to be a unique process in our universe. When a couple has children there may even be an exchange of DNA in a manner we don’t fully understand yet.
Symbol of Bride & Temple of God
This unique property may be one reason why sexual immorality is specifically emphasized and forbidden in the Bible.
Paul says, “Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own” (1 Corinthians 6:18-19).
Not only is marriage a picture of Christ and His Bride, but our very bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit.
A Model of Spiritual Realities
Yet, even when there are no children the melding together of two souls – thoughts, emotions and feelings, goals, experiences – makes the marriage union special and a part of God’s divine plan.
Furthermore, the marriage union itself is a “type” or a symbolic picture of Christ and His Bride – the church. This is not something we hear very often in modern, secular society. Marriage is symbolic of spiritual realities that we are commanded to respect.
Disregarding Types or Models
God does not take lightly those who disregard “types” or models in the Bible. For example, when Moses struck the rock to obtain water rather than speak to the rock as the Lord commanded, God forbade him to enter the Promised Land (Numbers 20:11-12).
This seems unfair. But, Moses had become frustrated with the Israelites when he struck the rock. Yet, the “rock” at Massah was a “type of Christ.” By striking it, Moses violated its “type” and disobeyed God. It was considered a serious offense (Reformation Study Bible 2005, 118).
This is a good example that while we are forgiven of our sins we are not always prevented from experiencing the consequences for sin in our lives.
Parables & Quotes
Through parables such as the Ten Virgins of Matthew 25 and direct references to the bridegroom and His bride – the church – found in places such as Revelation 21:9 – we are given insights into the significance of marriage to God:
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready…Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb” (Revelation 19:7, 9, NASB).
Therefore, God created marriage to be a lasting institution. Jesus said, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6, NIV).
Note to Abusive Husbands
In Malachi 2:13-16 the Lord makes His distaste for divorce excruciatingly clear. He even points out that He doesn’t receive our offerings or hear us due to our shallow attitudes about marriage. This is a good passage for an abusive husband who takes lightly his relationship with his wife:
“And this is another thing you do: you cover the LORD’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning, because He no longer respects your offering or receives them gladly from your hands.”
“Yet you ask, ‘For what reason?’ “Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have acted treacherously against her, though she was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant. Didn’t the one God make us with a remnant of His lifebreath? And what does the One seek? A godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously against the wife of your youth.”
‘If he hates and divorces his wife,’ says the LORD God of Israel, ‘he covers his garment with injustice,’ says the LORD of Hosts. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously'”
(Malachi 2:14-16, HCSB).
Separation means no Remarriage
Paul makes it clear, however, that “if a wife must separate from her husband she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
Death the only Exception
Paul finishes by stating that “a woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39, NIV).
Remarriage Equals Adultery
In fact, Jesus succinctly summarized that “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery” (Luke 16:18).
Between Paul’s and Jesus’ declaration we can assume that although separation is tolerated, divorce is not. If a spouse dies then the remaining partner may remarry – but it should be a marriage between believers.
The Pharisees questioned Jesus about Moses permission for a man to write a certificate of divorce. Jesus replied, “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law” (Mark 10:3-5).
Divorce for Marital Unfaithfulness
In Matthew we find further clarification of this issue. Jesus told the Pharisees, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:31-32).
From this passage we can conclude that divorce is permitted in cases of infidelity – but nothing else. This is one of the reasons we emphasize the issue of “separation” rather than divorce in almost all cases.
Unbeliever
Furthermore, Paul notes that if a believer is married to an unbeliever who decides to leave, the believer can let him or her go. It appears that separation or divorce is left up to the unbelieving spouse in this instance (1 Corinthians 7:12-17). But, the believing spouse must not initiate divorce actions against the unbelieving partner.
Don’t “Hang Around” Sinning Christians
There are other principles in Scripture that add some clarification to the issue of badly behaving marital partners. In 1 Corinthians chapter 5 Paul says we should,
“Get rid of the old ‘yeast’ by removing this wicked person from among you…I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people” (5:7, 11).
Scripture doesn’t contradict scripture. So this passage helps to confirm that separation may be a key to how we must deal with abusive partners.
Christ’s Conflict-Resulution Formula
Antecedent to Christ’s view that we must not separate what God has joined together in marriage (Matthew 19:4-6) is a conflict-resolution formula that all Christians may follow when faced with major disagreements with other believers:
“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But, if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17, NLT).
A Christian who receives abuse at the hands of a believing spouse may surely take his or her situation to the church for assistance in such cases.
Alternatives to Abusive Marriages
So to summarize alternatives for an abusive marriage situation, Christians do not have the “right” or freedom to just divorce a spouse. Marriage is clearly sacred to God. It is a “type” or model of Christ and His Bride, the Church.
Unbelievers, of course, are allowed to leave a marriage. But, Christians are not. We can separate from someone after consultation with a pastor and perhaps after we have brought the matter before the church according to the Matthew 18 conflict-resolution procedures.
However, if we separate from a partner we cannot freely date or engage in relationships that could threaten our marriage. We are expected to return to the marriage if the partner repents of his or her sinful behaviors.
Difficult Position in Today’s Culture
We understand that this is extremely difficult for Christians to follow. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Christ loves His Bride, those of us who belong to His church. In the same way, we are to love each other with fierce loyalty and grace without parallel in the world.
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References:
Beers, Ronald A. and V. Gilbert Beers. 2007. Life’s questions. Carol Stream, ILL: Tyndale.
Fireproof. (DVD). Starring Kirk Cameron.
Freeman, Criswell. 2005. God’s survival guide for women. TN: Nelson.
Miller, Patricia A. 2002. Quick scripture reference for counseling women. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.
The Reformation Study Bible, ESV, R.C. Sproul (Orlando, FL: Ligonier Ministries, 2005).