Family Con Artists
How We Respond
Q. My brother was a con artist, a “wheeler-dealer,” a drug addict and a drug pusher, and I never want to have anything to do with him again. He was selfish and cruel to our parents. He says he has changed now and he needs money to get a car so he can apply for jobs. But, I think he is just “conning” us once again so he’ll be accepted in my family and then he can use us all over again. How am I supposed to react to and forgive this?
Answer:
Not an Option
Thank goodness God takes this issue out of our hands. Forgiveness is not an option – it is a command in the Bible.
For example, Paul tells us, “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tender-hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:12-13, NLT).
Entitlement Denied
Loving and forgiving someone does not mean he or she is entitled to your checkbook and bank account, however. For example, here are two seemingly opposing Bible verses that help to put this into perspective:
No Work – No Bread
We are told that “those who won’t care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers” (1Timothy 5:8).
However, in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 Paul gives us an “order:” “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either.”
Food & Shelter Basics
Any able-bodied human being in one’s family should be expected to work for his keep. So you can be kind, loving and forgiving to your brother. But, you are not expected to supply his needs if he is unwilling to work. Neither are you expected to provide for his “wants” instead of his “needs.”
Providing a Car?
No matter how he complains about it, a car is not a necessity, for example. He can take a bus or walk.
If you are out of range for buses then he can work in other ways temporarily – helping you out with chores and things you cannot do by yourself.
But, if he won’t do this then you have no obligation to provide for him. Having food and covering is a biblical definition of having our “needs” met (1Timothy 6:8). You are not expected to provide beyond that.
Forgiveness to Moochers
Offering forgiveness does not mean allowing lazy people to take advantage of us. Yes, we are to forgive “seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). But, that doesn’t mean allowing people who have made poor choices in their lives to take advantage of our good choices.
Manipulative People
Furthermore, manipulation of others is an unacceptable lifestyle. In Psalm 101:7 we read, “I will not allow deceivers to serve in my house, and liars will not stay in my presence.”
Avoid
Paul says we are to avoid people who are without any self control, who are haters of good, reckless, irreconcilable, and selfish (2 Timothy 3:2-4).
Helping vs. Enabling
People whose lives are changing because they have made a commitment to Christ deserve our help and love. But, sometimes “helping” crosses over to “enabling” and we are never expected to enable others to cheat or steal – which is what con artists do.
Rescue Missions
We suggest you contact the director of your local rescue mission for help and counsel in deciding how much you can or should biblically provide for someone who says they are in need of your aid. Workers in rescue missions have spent years specializing in this subject and may offer guidelines you can live with.