Favoritism in Families
How to Cope
I have a problem in my family that I’m trying to rise above. But, it continues to hurt me and my kids year after year. My mother favors my brother’s children and attends all their activities and events. But, she never has time for my four kids or me and my husband on important holidays, sports events and birthdays. What’s even worse is that she calls my children on Christmas or Thanksgiving and tells them what a wonderful time she’s having with my brother’s kids – even when she knows we are alone! Sometimes this is even more than I can bear. Any thoughts about this?
Answer:
What a miserable situation! My heart goes out to you and your family. Favoritism appears to be an extremely common occurrence in families. But, that doesn’t help how we feel about it, does it? It still hurts our feelings, makes us feel worthless, and causes us to feel as if there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Let’s see if we can find anything in Scripture that can help us rise above these feelings.
God is My Parent
In the King James version Psalm 27:10 speaks clearly to me:
“When my father and my
mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care
of me.”
This is David’s cry. Even if his own family should abandon him he knew that God would always be his father and mother. We can make this our understanding, too. No matter what happens to our earthly family- relationships, God is our true family.
Family Idolatry
We need to be careful because sometimes the church tends to make family a form of idolatry. A well known organization underscores this point when they call themselves, Focus on the Family. Remember that anything that takes the place of God in our lives is idolatry. Maybe our emphasis should be “Focus on God.”
Church Idolatry
Sadly, in churches we find lonely people who are by themselves on important holidays, birthdays and other events, too.
For example, the pastor and his immediate family sit down to enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner together while there are lonely widows without relatives sitting depressed at home that very same day.
The deacons and elders are guilty of this, too. Even church members thank God for their blessings while other church members suffer isolation and loneliness.
It shouldn’t be this way. This is not right, is it? Maybe each church member could befriend at least one person or small family to include at their table on important holidays. After all, the Bible says:
So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints, and are of God’s household. (Eph 2:19)
Desertion & Neglect in Bible
The Bible contains many instances of isolated people whose own families have abandoned, deserted or neglected them at crucial times in their lives. For example, Job cries,
“He has removed my brothers far from me,
And my acquaintances
are completely estranged
from me.
My relatives have failed,
And my intimate friends
have forgotten me.”
(Job 19:13-14)
Injustice
The Apostle Peter counsels us,
“For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God” (1 Peter 2:20).
Peter is telling us that when we live righteously but are mistreated it gives us special favor in Gods eyes.
Our Purpose
Even Jesus suffered humiliation and betrayal by his own family and friends and suffered silently for it. We are told that Christ left us an example to follow in His steps,
“and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously.” (1 Peter 2:21-23).
Suffering like Christ
This is our calling or purpose. We have been called to suffer like Christ. “For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps.” (1 Pet 2:21).
I guess this isn’t very politically correct is it? We want to stand up for our rights and get even, not sit there and take it! Yet, this is what Jesus wants us to do – take it.
In fact, Jesus quotes from Micah 7:6 when He warns that those who follow Him will be estranged from their own families:
“For son treats father
contemptuously,
Daughter rises up against
her mother,
Daughter-in-law against
her mother-in-law;
A mans enemies are the
men of his own
household.”
(See Matthew 10:34-36)
Paralleling Quote from Micah
Jesus finished the quote from Micah by stating, “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.” (Matt 10:37-38)
All Christians must learn that we can’t always rely on family or friends to carry us through difficult times. It would be especially helpful for you to begin to teach your children these principles, too, so they don’t have expectations of more.
All God’s Children are Precious
All of us are precious in Gods eyes. He say:
“For you formed my inward parts. You wove me in my mother’s womb. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance. And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psalm 139:13, 16, NASB).
Because we are loved so intimately by God we can “rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind” (1 Pet 2:1).
God is our Avenger
God doesn’t like it either when we suffer injustice and favoritism. Proverbs 6:116-19 outlines 7 things God hates. One of those includes one who spreads strife among brothers (relatives).
In other words, when your Mom engages in thoughtless, cruel favoritism and causes you to resent your brother, God hates it! (Did you know that God can hate?)
While, yes, we are called to suffer like Christ, God will be our avenger at the right time.
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY, says the Lord.” (Ro 12:19).
We are never to get even or pay him back for what he did to me.
“The Lord says,’Do not say, I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work’ (Prov 24:29). We are never to take matters into our own hands. But, we are to Wait for the LORD, and He will save you.” (Prov 20:22).
No Partiality with God
We can know in our hearts that God will avenge our cruel circumstances and those who hurt us – even pain and injustice from those in the church and from other Christians. With God there is never any favoritism or partiality. This fact is written over and over throughout the New Testament.
“For there is no partiality with God.” (Ro 2:11).
(See also Eph 6:9; Gal 2:6, and Acts 10:34).
God Rewards Us
Whenever we see something written over and over in the Bible we need to underscore it in our own minds, too. We can know that God is just and fair. He doesn’t favor one person over another. Our job is to “do those good works which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” (Eph 2:10).
When we do what He called us to do we can “With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord.” (Eph 6:7-8).
That’s a promise. You can teach your kids to bank on it.
Meanwhile, we have important work to do
_________________________
Suggested Resources:
Bevere, John. 2004. How to respond when you feel mistreated. Nashville, TN: Nelson.
Missler, Chuck & Nancy. 1999. Faith in the night seasons. Coeur dAlene, ID: Koinonia House. Available from: www.khouse.org.