Forgiving Deceased Parents Q. How do I forgive a parent who mistreated me but is now dead? My parents were not believers. I am filled with rage over what they did to me and my brother. answer: Normal Avenues for Believers Unavailable “Forgiveness” is one of the most distorted areas of understanding among Christians. Because the unbeliever is not subject to Christ, the authority of the church, or other believers, it is not possible to use the normal avenues of forgiveness or church discipline available to us. In this case the most one can do is to follow perhaps the first two guidelines offered in Matthew 18: 15-16 – to confront him and then to bring in a third party. However, this is not possible when an offender is deceased. But, please understand this. Whether the unbeliever is alive or deceased, we cannot expect him or her to act contrary to their nature. We cannot resolve things as we would with a fellow believer.  No Fights with Empty Chairs or Unsent Letters Concerning certain forms of secular advice, it really does little good to argue with empty chairs seated with pretend offenders, or to write unsent letters either. It may seem to work for a few hours or days, but then the old feelings come right back. (Ask anyone who has tried this). Biblical Forgiveness When you truly forgive someone you no longer hold something against them. You don’t repeatedly bring it up to him. You don’t bring it up to others. Nor do you bring it up repeatedly to yourself. It is like a contract where you decide the matter is resolved. A contract demands nothing of your feelings – which you can’t control anyway. It is simply a legal agreement. Conditional Forgiveness? Forgiveness is conditional upon the offender’s repentance. See Luke 17:3-4: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” For there to be restoration of a relationship there must be a two-way relationship and situation where one person asks for forgiveness and the offended gives forgiveness.  Forgive & Forget?The very process of church discipline as outlined in Matthew 18: 15-20 means that we bring up a matter over and over again. First we bring it to the offender. If that doesn’t work then we bring along other Christians with us to confront him. And if that doesn’t work then we bring it before the church. If the offender doesn’t repent before the church, then we are to treat him as a heathen or a tax collector – in other words, excommunicate him. Does that sound like the suggestion we are often given to “forgive and forget,” to you? (Not to me…) Changed Focus When an offender has died, however, none of the above is possible. Since it is not possible for you to “forgive” in the traditional biblical sense when the offender is gone, the issues are no longer repentance and forgiveness. Bitterness & Resentment Rather, it is a case of learning to deal with bitterness, unforgiveness and resentment. We ask God to help us forgive the deceased person and to rid ourselves of resentment and a root of bitterness. This may involve a study of God’s sovereignty over our lives as well as a careful study of forgiveness. Often we can do this on our own. But, there may be times when we need the help of our pastor or a genuine Christian counselor.  Just Four Sources Recommended Please be careful with the advice given by most authors and speakers because there is so much misinformation out there about forgiveness. I have just three books and one tape-set to suggest for you. They are: 1. Adams, Jay. 1994. From forgiven to forgiving. Amityville, NY: Calvary Press. 2. Bridges, Jerry. 1988. Trusting God even when life hurts. Colorado Springs: NavPress. 3. Leaf, Caroline. Who switched off my brain? Controlling toxic throughts and emotions. Available from: www.lifetoday.org. Or from: www.drleaf.net. 4. Meyer, Joyce. Bitterness, unforgiveness, & resentment. (Tapes). Available from: www.joycemeyer.org. Read these three books or listen to the tapes carefully and prayerfully. I believe it will change your life with God’s help. Bad Thoughts Affect our Health Finally, you must try to work through forgiveness issues. Dr. Leaf illustrates that negative emotions of fear and unforgiveness cause physical changes in the brain which cause toxicity and illness later on. However, with prayerful concentration on God’s Word, positive changes will begin to occur in less than four days – no matter how long you have harbored grudges! God Forgave Us Awful Things Remember that God has forgiven you for some pretty awful things. Therefore, with His help we can turn around and forgive others for some pretty awful things. This is what Matthew 6:14 means when it says: “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (ESV). No One Gets Away with It! Last, it is comforting to understand that everyone will be judged fairly by God – whether at the Great White Throne Judgment for unbelievers mentioned in Revelation 20:11-15, or before Christ at the Judgment Seat mentioned in 2 Corinthians 5:10. No one “gets away” with harming you without eventually paying for it! “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19, NASB).  Vengeance Belongs to God In other words, we don’t need to concern ourselves with making them “pay for it,” or “getting even.” Instead, we can rest knowing that vengeance is God’s. Do Good to your Enemy because Vengeance is the Lord’s That’s why in the verse following Romans 12:19, the Apostle Paul quotes the Old Testament by saying, “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK. FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD” (Ro. 12:20, 2 Kings 6:22). Do Good to your Enemy because God will Judge Him Paul continues, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Ro. 12:21). We can treat our enemies with goodness and kindness because we know in our hearts that God is our avenger! That is His job. Our job is to focus on becoming more Christlike. |
