Fringe People
I Don’t Belong Anywhere
Q. I have a hard time trusting others, forming friendships and even keeping jobs. I’ve tried. But, I never married, never had kids, and don’t seem to belong anywhere. I do go to church. But, there my pastor teaches that we will be accountable for how we treat others – he says I should quit being a loner so I can “develop my character.” I feel like a failure. Any thoughts on this?
Answer:
Church Members can be Ignorant & Naive
Sometimes church leaders and church members are terribly naive about the unique loneliness and emotional suffering of others. People who have never experienced this kind of disability or handicap seem unable to understand those who live with it on a daily basis.
I’m sure your pastor means well and probably has your best interests at heart. Try to give him credit for caring about your life. Chances are your pastor views your isolation or depression as something you willfully do rather than something you cannot help and don’t like either.
Abusive Background
In our experience most people who have difficulty forming close relationships or keeping jobs tend to come from emotionally or physically abusive families.
For various reasons abused children grow up to become isolated, untrusting, lonely adults. They can’t just “change” this overnight. In fact, they may never be able to relate to others in normal ways while on this earth.
But, that doesn’t mean they are forgotten in God’s kingdom or do not have their own divine purpose in life.
A Heart for Fringe-People
Remember, God has a special heart for the outcast and those who live on the “fringes” of life. He even tells us to forget about entertaining people who can invite us back but to invite those who are outcasts instead:
“When you give a dinner or a supper, do not ask your friends, your brothers, your relatives, nor rich neighbors, lest they also invite you back, and you be repaid. But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you – for you shall be repaid at the resurrection of the just” (Luke 14:12-14, NKJV).
I think it’s safe to conclude that entertaining trendy, popular “with it” guests isn’t always the best thing to do. Maybe entertaining people outside of our usual selection of desirable friends and neighbors, is.
What do you think?
Jesus Trusts Others?
It surprises many of us to learn that even Jesus didn’t completely trust people. John informs us of the following:
…“Jesus did not commit Himself to them, because He knew all men, and had no need that anyone should testify of man, for He knew what was in man” (John 2:24-25, NKJV).
The word for “commit” in this passage is the same Greek word translated “believe in.” It is a play on words.
In verse 23 it says …“many ‘believed’ in His name when they saw the signs which He did.” In response, Jesus knew better than to “believe” in them because He knows what mankind is all about – untrustworthy! (NKJV Study Bible 2007, 2144).
Trust God – not Men
This isn’t an isolated case. The Bible tells us in other sections not to put our faith in men. We shouldn’t even try. Some of us may be more trusting than others and that’s fine if it helps us to relate to others and enjoy social companionship from time to time.
But, “trusting” people may not be the greatest thing anyway. The psalmist warns,
“It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes” (Psalm 118:9).
The Lord Leads Us
We shouldn’t even try to figure-out what other people are thinking or why they do the things they do. Proverbs 3:5 says,
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”
The next verse clearly says that if we acknowledge God he will “direct your paths” (v. 6). That means He will lead us where we need to go. Following the whims of fickle friends and family is a losing battle. Trusting the Lord to define who and what we are and how we should feel is far better. Trusting the Lord brings far greater stability into our lives.
Should Haves
In fact, “not leaning on our own understanding” means we should quit trying to figure-out things. We should stop trying to understand why someone does or says something, how we should respond, what we should have said, what they should have said, what would have been the appropriate thing to say in this situation, and when we should have said it!
Renewing Our Minds
“Give it up! Forget it!” Those are useless, pointless, fruitless endeavors. Sadly, men and women are undependable creatures as long as we exist in our fleshly, sinful bodies with our warped minds.
Truthfully, this is the reality of our current state of being and it won’t change until our bodies and minds are transformed into a new state as described in 1 Corinthians chapter 15. That’s why we each need to renew our minds daily by reading our Bibles and memorizing pertinent Scriptures (Romans 12:2, Psalm 119:11).
Minding our own Business
Meanwhile, the Bible suggests we all mind our own business and keep busy with whatever chores and good works God gives us to do.
Paul advises us,
…”make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly toward outsiders and not be in any need” (1 Thess 4:11-12, NASB).
To the unmarried or singles Paul suggests they stay single (1 Cor 7:8)! He says that if we marry we haven’t sinned, but we’ll have trouble in this life and he is trying to spare us from it (7:28).
Belonging or Not
For those of us who are isolated loners who can’t make or keep friendships, we can know that Jesus understands how we feel. We don’t experience these things all by ourselves.
The Lord said of himself, “Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head” (Matthew 8:20, NLT).
Jesus was Homeless!
In other words, Jesus was homeless! Yet, this “homeless” Lord of ours assures us with these very words:
“When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me” (Psalm 27:10, NKJV).
We are never truly alone! It only seems that way at times.
No Family or Kids
The prophet Isaiah even says something that helps those of us who have no families or children and feel like we are abandoned, forgotten and alone in this world:
“Don’t let foreigners who
commit themselves to the
LORD say,
‘The LORD will never let me
be part of his people.”
And don’t let the eunuchs say,
‘I’m a dried-up tree with no
children and no future.’
For this is what the LORD says:
I will bless those eunuchs
who keep my Sabbath days
holy
and who choose to do what
pleases me
and commit their lives to me.
I will give them – within the
walls of my house –
a memorial and a name
far greater than sons and
daughters could give.
For the name I give them is an
everlasting one.
It will never disappear!”
(Isaiah 56:3-5, NLT)
No One Left Behind
This is a wonderful passage that demonstrates how our heavenly Father doesn’t leave any of us behind – not one person – whether we are single, married, childless, aged, sick, disabled, abandoned by family or anything else. God loves us no matter what our state:
“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39, NASB).
All Christians belong to Christ and have purpose in this life. We won’t be forgotten and what we do matters to God. He even gives us a favorable reputation and a lasting memorial if we don’t have other people to care about us after we die! “I will give them a memorial and a name far greater than sons and daughters could give.”
Finding our Special Gifts
Every person in the body of Christ has something to do that God designed personally for each man and woman in the church.
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).
While we live on earth – no matter what our circumstances – our job is to find those good works and do them wholeheartedly.
“Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith; if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching; or he who exhorts, in his exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness” (Romans 12:6-7).
1. Artists
If you are an artist then perhaps try drawing, sculpting or painting things that make you or others feel closer to God – maybe Sunday school illustrations or things that help the elderly feel important. For example, my grandfather loved the famous illustration of a grandma and grandpa praying and studying their Bibles.
2. Music
If you are a musician then maybe learn to play in the church orchestra or sing in the choir. The Levitical priests set aside talented musicians and artisans to work in the Temple and sing or skillfully play instruments (Chronicles 29:25, Nehemiah 12:27-43).
In fact, King David wrote many of the Psalms and sang and played them with his stringed instrument. Even music therapy was practiced by King David when he played the harp to calm the tormented King Saul (1 Samuel 16:14-16).
3. Teaching Gifts
Can you teach or lead a Sunday school class or start a home Bible study? Can you write instructive manuals, booklets or Bible study outlines? Can you read stories to others?
4. Community Outreach
Can you visit nursing homes or the sick? Can you help the poor in your community? Can you help rescue mission residents to pass the GED? Can you work with children in a daycare facility? Can you care for foster children?
No “Social Butterflies” Required
Not every gift God gives us requires us to be social butterflies with talent at making and keeping friendships and succeeding at traditional jobs. We suggest that you work with what God has given you and try to stop being disappointed about those things you lack.
Not everyone, including pastors, will necessarily understand your background and your reluctance to form close friendships – but that is their problem, not yours. Just remember that your job is to find your God-given place in the Christian world and work within it.
Volunteer for Lots of Tasks
To find your own gift we suggest you volunteer for service at your church. You will learn very quickly if youngsters “drive you up the wall” and you can’t sing in tune. Trying different tasks is the best way to hone in on what you can and can’t do.
You are Special – but not Privileged
God loves YOU and designed you with special tasks to do. Don’t worry about what other people think of your shyness, your nervousness or your fear of forming close relationships. Just stick to your own business and concentrate on what you can do.
When you stand before the Lord I doubt you will care about your pastor saying to you, “Hey…you were a great socialite.”
But being special does not mean you are “privileged.” As believers we have work to do. No matter what our circumstances God expects us to use what He has given to us.
Rescue Mission Kindnesses
I have seen some of the greatest acts of mercy and kindness at Gospel Rescue Missions from one homeless, messed up resident to another. God will not overlook these acts of kindness. You are most connected to another person when you are helping them in the name of Jesus.
At the judgment seat (2 Cor 5:10) each of us will desperately wish to hear our Lord say to us:
“Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord'” (Matthew 25:21, NKJV).
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References:
Holy Bible, New Living Translation. 2007. Carol Stream, ILL: Tyndale.
NKJV Study Bible. 2007. Nashville, TN: Nelson.
Ryrie Study Bible, NASB. 1996. Chicago: Moody.